What you should be reading this Christmas…

I feel like I should be starting this post with a holiday related pun. Luckily, my research into the nauseating world of Christmas-themed romance novels has exposed me a crapton of wintry wit. That’s right, there are romance novels about Christmas! Because what haven’t romance novels ruined yet…

And when the weather outside is frightful, I can warm myself up with a bottle (or ten) of mulled wine and these hawt holiday tales. Because ZOMG I hope I get a Texas rancher this year! With feelings! And a troubled past! And I’m the strong-willed, fiery harlot who can fix him!

Anyways, I’ve compiled a small list of  books Santa should be stuffing your stocking (hee) with this year.  Have fun reading about these ho, ho, hos.

Surprisingly this isn’t a tender-hearted Christmas tale of pedophile love.

Guest Post! Dream’s Desire by Gwen Cleary

As promised I bring you a brilliant romance novel review by Miss Emma! But before you continue on to her sass and snark, can I just present this AMAZING cover:

We have the obligatory heavy petting, neck kisses, and what could possibly be a mullet. But what about the strange holographic sticker of another couple hooking up! The Packers colors! What appears to be a seagull getting ready to drop a deuce on our couple…

Anyhoo, on to the review!

The heroine: Antonia Winston y Ortega, fondly known as Tonia (you’d be informal too, yes?), is a half-Spanish, blond, high-spirited virgin daughter of an old-time California ranchero. God knows you can’t have a minority heroine, even in Spanish California. Tonia’s leading characteristics seem to be a tempting figure, the tendency to prove her high spirits by throwing tantrums and an inability to form a successful escape plan.

The hero: Captain Michael Domino, a wealthy sea captain who is out for revenge, but actually spends most of the book riding desperately to rescue Tonia from somewhere or other. Believe it or not, the good captain actually has even less of a personality than his lady-love. Leading characteristics are an unexplained raging cynicism about women, a much-mentioned but never demonstrated business acumen, and a fondness for plans with a lot of steps.

The plot: Tonia is sheltered, but very spirited and headstrong. So when she’s betrothed to El Senor Dominguez, who she doesn’t really know and doesn’t love, she decides to run away. She runs, in fact, right into Captain Domino, who is out for revenge against her fiancée for a series of reasons that kind of stack up as the book goes on. So she hits on the brilliant plan of having sex with him so that she won’t be a virgin so her fiancée won’t want to marry her. But, naturally, this sex causes the two to fall madly in love.

Preview: Dream’s Desire by Gwen Cleary

With work demanding so much of my time, I haven’t had a chance to devote time to my true love: reading romance novels. But before you guys (that is, all three of my blog readers) languish in a land of unheaving bosoms, I’ve got a treat for you. My brilliant friend Emma has decided to review a romance novel of her own! With the promise of a “Zorro-era bondage chamber” (Emma’s words exactly), Dream’s Desire by Gwen Cleary promises to be just as craptastic as the other bodice-rippers.

Here’s the preview:

SHE CAPTURED HIS SOUL: Captain Michael Domino (yeah, Domino) had no room in his heart for any mistress but the sea. For years, he’d sailed his merchant ship along the California coast in search of the man who’d nearly destroyed him, and at last revenge was within his grasp. Then a golden-haired, half-Spanish beauty distracted him from his cause. Anticipating an unforgettablenight of loving, he tasted her sweet lips and stroked her silken curves. By the time he learned she was not only an innocent, but his enemy’s runaway fiancee, it was too late to do anything but mix cold-blooded business with hot-blooded pleasure. And as he ignited the forbidden fites that burned within his sultry senorita, he vowed never to let another man possess her soft, smooth flesh.

HE FREED HER PASSION: Desperate to escape an arranged marriage to a man she detested, the proud and beautiful Antonia Winston y Ortega (yeah) fled her father’s hacienda clad only in the skimpy dress of a peasant maid. When the arrogant Captain Domino mistook her for a low-born, willing wench, she saw her chance for freedom. She would spend the night with this bronzed, blue-eyed scoundrel, for no gentleman would want a ruined bride. And ruined she would be, for Tonia would never forget his searing kisses, his white-hot caresses, or the way his warm, muscular body pressed against hers as he showed her the way to her Dream’s Desire.

And since I’m on vacay (yay!), I’ll be posting the review tomorrow!

#WTF: Twitter Takes Over the Romance Novel

I like my romance novels firmly rooted in fantasy. Faraway places, lurid physically impossible sex scenes, and guys who, like, talk about their feelings and junk! That’s why Teresa Medeiros’s newest romance novel, Goodnight Tweetheart, hit a little too close to reality.

That’s right. A romance revolving around twitter. OMG! WTF! LOL!

The book starts with “former literary sensation Abby Donovan” as she tries out Twitter for the first time (does that make her a twirgin?). Through the wonder of the internetz she meets Mark Baynard, “a man who uses both humor and imagination to hide a secret that could change both their lives forever.”

What follows is six pages of tweets. I’m not kidding. Here’s a snippet:

MarkBaynard: R U a Twitter virgin?
Abby Donovan:This is my first time. But you’re not being very gentle with me.”
MarkBaynard: What can I say? I like it rough. So how did you end up here? Attention span too short for Facebook?
AbbyDonovan: I didn’t like the answers to those silly Facebook quizzes. They kept telling me I was the lovechild of Lisa Simpson and Marilyn Manson.

Scintillating! Sorry, but there is nothing romantic or alluring about Twitter. We’re talking about a place that considers Justin Bieber a trending topic.

Regardless of what Abby thinks, a relationship based in Facebook would be totes more romantic. They’d friend each other. Profile pictures would be scrutinized. Poking would lead to poking. They’d buy a nice piece of acreage on Farmville to raise a family. And finally, they’d change their relationship status.

As much as eHarmony insists that 1 in 5 relationships starts from an online dating site. I prefer my hero and heroine to meet the old-fashioned way. She’s a shy but beautiful heiress. He’s a dashing Scottish laird. He kidnaps her out of revenge and hatred for her family.

But if you must read it (who are we kidding, I’ll probably pick up a copy), Goodnight Tweethearts comes out January 2011. Pre-order it! Quick!

I. Need. This. Book.

His Hired Baby by Jacqueline Diamond

Surrogate mom Kate Evans, a widow with a five-year-old son, isn’t looking forward to her upcoming delivery—not because of the pain, but because when it’s over the doctor will place her baby in the arms of the couple who hired her. When Kate gets the startling news that Tony Franco’s wife has abandoned him, it only makes her feel more conflicted.

Second thoughts or not, Kate signed a contract, and she won’t go back on her word. Instead, she offers to help prepare Tony for single parenthood, never expecting to fall for him in the process. But once their baby is born, she’ll lose both of them forever…unless she can convince Tony to give love another chance.

Jacqueline Diamond’s Harlequin romances contain families, not just the couples but the whole family falling in love. That’s because her books are home and community with a “you’ll meet no strangers here” attitude. ‘His Hired Baby’ is another strong addition to the Safe Harbor Medical series that is worth reading.

Review: Cinderella’s Tycoon by Caroline Cross

Can we just start with the cover:

How could I not review this book? Cinderella’s wearing a freakin’ garland in her hair. Because that’s how you accessorize the purple sheath dress and lace wrap you purchased at Coldwater Creek for the wedding.

But the best part is how Cinderella looks up at Tycoon in clear adoration. Tycoon, on the other hand, is all “Urgh. Fine, if I have to.” If there’s anything I’ve learned from the Jersey Shore is that once in a while life hands you a grenade. Cinderella is clearly a grenade.

Synopsis: “Honor” was Texas tycoon Sterling Churchill’s middle name. So when a mix-up at the local sperm bank unexpectedly made him a father-to-be, he gallantly stepped forward to marry shy beauty Susan Wilkins. It was a marriage in name only — until he gave his bride a soul-spinning kiss. Now his new wife was carrying his child and wearing a look of pure splendor. Could tough-as-nails Sterling open the rusty doors of his heart…and turn pumpkins into coaches for his Cinderella bride?

That’s right. A freaking sperm bank mix-up!

Preview: Cinderella’s Tycoon by Caroline Cross

Check what I’m reviewing in a couple of days!

With one review under my belt I was feeling a little ambitious. So this time around I’m taking on…Texas.

Here’s the teaser to Cinderella’s Tycoon by Caroline Cross:

“Honor” was Texas tycoon Sterling Churchill’s middle name. So when a mix-up at the local sperm bank unexpectedly made him a father-to-be, he gallantly stepped forward to marry shy beauty Susan Wilkins. It was a marriage in name only — until he gave his bride a soul-spinning kiss. Now his new wife was carrying his child and wearing a look of pure splendor. Could tough-as-nails Sterling open the rusty doors of his heart…and turn pumpkins into coaches for his Cinderella bride?

There is nothing tough-as-nails about a man named Sterling.

Miraculously, this book has gotten two positive reviews on Amazon. In fact an anonymous customer (I don’t blame them for trying to keep their identity a secret) went so far as to call Cinderella’s Tycoon a “real treat.”

Folks, don’t believe the hype.

Ridic Romance Novel Quotes: Penelope & Prince Charming by Jennifer Ashley

A conversation between Penelope and Prince Damien while traipsing through a babbling brook:

“I will marry you, Penelope. I want to do it with soft words, but I have to throw you over the pommel of my saddle and gallop away with you, I will.”

“That would be a bit uncomfortable for a three-thousand-mile journey,” she said in a small voice.

“Not for me, love. I could rest my hand on your very fine backside all the way.”

She blushed, “You should not say things like that.”

“You must grow used to me complimenting your body. Your backside is fine, as are your breasts.” He looked into the water. “And your toes are adorable.”

“Now you’ve become Prince Charming again.”

Clearly, Damien brings the romance in romance novels.

It’s passages like this that make me wish I lived in a romance novel. Until then, I long for the day that my beloved compliments me on my very fine backside.

Weird Cover: Silver Angel by Johanna Lindsey

There are cougars and then there are cougars. But does Captain Armband realize making love to Courtney Love?

Review: A Moment in Time by Deb Stover

Whoever said to never judge a book by its cover has never read a romance novel before. I bring you A Moment in Time by Deb Stover:

Creeper wielding a pick axe (oooh! phallic subext?!).  A rustic cabin surrounded by a random field of poppies. A giant pocket watch streaking through the sky. Oh, I judge. I so judge.

The heroine: Jackie Clark, a plucky jazzercising (!) hair-dresser. Who. Wears. A. Fannypack. . Deb Stover insists Jackie is from the present-day, but who is she kidding. Homegirl is clearly from the ‘80s.

The hero: Cole Morrison, an upstanding but broke gold miner. Throughout the book, Cole finds himself torn between the alluring Jackie Clark and a promise he made to his dead wife. And here’s the kicker, apparently he looks like Mel Gibson. After dropping the book in recoil, I soon realized that Ms. Stover must’ve been basing Cole on 2000 male-chauvinist-turned-sensitive-guy Mel Gibson from What Women Want. You know, back when he was hot.

Regardless, Deb must’ve been psychic because Cole soooo has Mel’s present-day crazy eyes.

The Plot: It’s a hard knock life for Jackie Clark. Jacks has been abandoned in a Rocky Mountain cabin by her d-bag boyfriend Blade. (Seriously, Blade? What is this, an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger?) Turns out Blade has made off with Jackie’s car and money. The poor girl is forced to strap on her fanny pack (!) and hike her way back to civilization. Unfortch, a freak summer snowstorm forces Jackie to seek shelter in an abandoned saloon. There she comes across an arresting portrait of buxom saloon singer *~Lolita Belle~*.