A conversation between Penelope and Prince Damien while traipsing through a babbling brook:
“I will marry you, Penelope. I want to do it with soft words, but I have to throw you over the pommel of my saddle and gallop away with you, I will.”
“That would be a bit uncomfortable for a three-thousand-mile journey,” she said in a small voice.
“Not for me, love. I could rest my hand on your very fine backside all the way.”
She blushed, “You should not say things like that.”
“You must grow used to me complimenting your body. Your backside is fine, as are your breasts.” He looked into the water. “And your toes are adorable.”
“Now you’ve become Prince Charming again.”
Clearly, Damien brings the romance in romance novels.
It’s passages like this that make me wish I lived in a romance novel. Until then, I long for the day that my beloved compliments me on my very fine backside.
There are cougars and then there are cougars. But does Captain Armband realize making love to Courtney Love?
Whoever said to never judge a book by its cover has never read a romance novel before. I bring you A Moment in Time by Deb Stover:
Creeper wielding a pick axe (oooh! phallic subext?!). A rustic cabin surrounded by a random field of poppies. A giant pocket watch streaking through the sky. Oh, I judge. I so judge.
The heroine: Jackie Clark, a plucky jazzercising (!) hair-dresser. Who. Wears. A. Fannypack. . Deb Stover insists Jackie is from the present-day, but who is she kidding. Homegirl is clearly from the ‘80s.
The hero: Cole Morrison, an upstanding but broke gold miner. Throughout the book, Cole finds himself torn between the alluring Jackie Clark and a promise he made to his dead wife. And here’s the kicker, apparently he looks like Mel Gibson. After dropping the book in recoil, I soon realized that Ms. Stover must’ve been basing Cole on 2000 male-chauvinist-turned-sensitive-guy Mel Gibson from What Women Want. You know, back when he was hot.
Regardless, Deb must’ve been psychic because Cole soooo has Mel’s present-day crazy eyes.
The Plot: It’s a hard knock life for Jackie Clark. Jacks has been abandoned in a Rocky Mountain cabin by her d-bag boyfriend Blade. (Seriously, Blade? What is this, an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger?) Turns out Blade has made off with Jackie’s car and money. The poor girl is forced to strap on her fanny pack (!) and hike her way back to civilization. Unfortch, a freak summer snowstorm forces Jackie to seek shelter in an abandoned saloon. There she comes across an arresting portrait of buxom saloon singer *~Lolita Belle~*. Read more here…
The day of my first romance novel review is almost upon us! As previewed in this week’s craptastic quote, I’m tackling A Moment in Time by Deb Stover (or as I like to call it Mounting her on Mountains).
I have my work cut out for me because flippin’ A, this one’s a doozy. Time traveling, gold miners, and a saloon singer named Lolita Belle. I wish I were joking.
Here’s the intriguing plot synopsis on the back of my book:
Destiny swept her back in time…could love keep her there?
After a romantic mountain getaway ends in disaster, Jackie Clarke finds herself hiking back to civilization alone. But a wrong turn soon lands her in an abandoned ghost town, where in one moment she’s staring at a risque portrait of saloon singer Lolita Belle, and in the next she’s transported back to the year 1891! Now everyone in Devil’s Gulch, Colorado, assumes Jackie is Lolita, including the rugged Mel Gibson-look-alike who’s just kidnapped her!
Cole Morrison has spent five long years digging in that damned hole he calls a mine (that’s what she said!), and he’s still barely scraping by. So when a saloon-keeper offers him a small fortune to bring the legendary Lolita Bell, he agrees to it. But what’s supposed to be a business transaction soon turns into anything but when desire flares. Now Cole is left to wonder how a man forges a future with a temptress from another time.
Don’t lie, you’re intrigued.
Posted in Preview
Let’s face it, my devotion to reading smut isn’t going to yield any Pulitzer-worthy finds. But once in a while I come across a phrase, paragraph, or page of writing so craptastic it surprises even me. This week’s WTF moment comes from Deb Stover’s A Moment in Time:
Single dad Cole Morrison touches a woman for the first time in five years: “His blood rushed to his groin, tugging until he was hard enough to dig for ore.”
That’s right, to dig for ore. Keep in mind Cole Morrison is a miner by trade. So the way he compares his pecker to a pick axe is, like, omg so in keeping with the theme! Just be glad he didn’t compare his lover’s vag to an endless cavern of precious gems. Hawt.
I heart romance novels.
Ever since I was 12, I’ve been sneaking Harlequins from the library. I devoured the passionate affairs of young English misses, stubborn Scottish wenches, dashing pirates, and handsome — but terribly tortured — Civil War soldiers. I swooned when they kissed. I sighed when they did the dirty. And I too wanted an epic romance of my own. Preferably with someone who looked like Fabio and wore a ruffled shirt buttoned down to there.
But as much as I adore romance novels, I can’t deny that I have trashy taste in literature. In lieu of War and Peace, I read Lady Sophia’s Lover.
And I’m okay with that. I love every cheesy line and every soft-core porn cover. Which is why I’ve decided to openly confess my adoration and devote time to this craptastically written genre of literature. I’ll be reviewing every awful romance novel I can get my hands on.
So stick around and read on for heaving bosoms, plot holes, and my intense love of male jawlines. I’m not kidding.